Blogs
I was 35 years old when I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (P.O.F), more commonly known as Premature Menopause. I am childless and was single at the time of diagnosis which added a whole other dynamic to the situation. I can only imagine the stress that news of infertility places on a relationship but processing it on your own, having the dialogue with yourself presents its own challenges. If like myself you are blessed with friends and family that love and care about you, unless they have experienced this loss themselves, I know you'll understand when I say that, regardless of that support network, I still felt isolated, very much alone with my thoughts and feelings. This collection of blogs documents my journey from diagnosis to acceptance.
It seems a fitting time to write this blog as the 11th-17th of September 2017 marks World Childless Week. I can't even begin to estimate how many men and women across the globe feel a sense of connection to this topic and my heart goes out to all of you! Regardless of why any of us find ourselves in this camp, the numbers are vast and I know each story is unique.
'Time doesn't heal, it is more like a sidekick, a partner in crime.....we heal ourselves and time lends a hand.' I wrote this a week ago as I reflected on the past year. I found myself sitting on the same bench as I had 14 months ago, remembering how back then, tears would come without warning, seemingly for no reason and there was a twisted knot in my stomach.
This is my favourite time of year. Whether you approach it from an astrological, spiritual or religious angle or if it's just simply an opportunity to give the space you live in a good clean, there's no doubt that it's a time of transition and growth. There is a perceptible shift in the landscape, trees that have stood barren for months blossom before our eyes and the earth seems to breathe again.
Christmas is upon us once again, it always manages to creep up on me every year and take me by surprise. As time goes by this process seems to become accelerated, the older I get, the faster the months speed by. For me it has always been a time of nostalgia, of reflection and even in the happiest of surroundings I'll have a moment or two where I feel melancholy.
Birth and death are the only guarantees in life, everything in between is an ocean, a constant ebb and flow. Sometimes we find ourselves struggling against the current fighting to keep our heads above the water, or we drift along peacefully until it's time to ride the waves as they rise and inevitably fall again.
I am mindful that the grass isn't always greener, there is someone, somewhere right now who knows tragedy on a scale that I can't possibly fathom. However, I've learned it's about allowing yourself to say " It's not o.k that this has happened to me" and to feel the vast array of emotions that will inevitably engulf you.
I never saw Premature Menopause coming, never imagined it would happen to me. As time passed by I started thinking more and more about how women can know their bodies better.
In late April 2009 the World Health Organisation declared its first ever "public health emergency of international concern" in relation to the informally named 'Swine Flu' outbreak (later declared a pandemic). I remember travelling to work on the London Underground every day and seeing an increasing number of people wearing surgical face masks, there was definitely an underlying sense of fear and panic. It was rather inconvenient, not to mention embarrassing, that right around that time I started experiencing bouts of sweating on a scale I'd never known before.
What is on the other side? What IS the other side? Is it Nirvana, Heaven, or simply put, a state of peace? Must it solely refer to something beyond this physical life?....I don’t think so. Life throws many curve balls at us, some we knock out of the park, others we miss, feeling like we’ve let ourselves down. Worse still, some feel like they just hit us square in in the face, leaving us bruised and broken. Every single time we face a challenge, there is, somewhere in the distance, the other side that we endeavour to reach.